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I am marking three months of being sober and seeking guidance on helping my 11-year-old autistic son. With rehab and AA, I've achieved this milestone, although my drinking intensified over the last couple of years. Before that, I was sober for the initial six years of his life.

The Impact of Previous Struggles

Towards the end, my drinking was non-stop, and my son saw me unstable and deeply unhappy. He took on a feeling of duty, believing he was the sole person who could stop me from drinking by taking away bottles. I am deeply regretful about this. I've often told him that I alone can manage my behavior.

He stayed with his father for a few months—we divorced five years ago, but his father is supportive of my recovery. He returned back in with me when he started secondary school in September. Confidence between us is slowly growing as he sees that I am not drinking and putting all my energy into improving.

Present Challenges and Emotions

He remains hyper-vigilant and worried about my safety. This means, he is terribly controlling of my actions—partly due to fear about my past habits, but also because he is on the spectrum and uneasy about unexpected changes. I'm focusing on confidence and limits; it would be easy to yield to his requests, but that isn't appropriate as a parent. It is hard as I also feel enormously guilty.

I referred to family support while in treatment, and we are waiting for help for my son from nearby substance abuse support. Meanwhile, I feel really at sea about how to communicate with him. I don't want to make him upset, but I also wish not to overlook the past. How do we move forward?

Expert Advice on Healing

Children need to feel secure, particularly after chaotic times when they couldn't be sure if their parent could keep them secure. They may feel worried about bringing up these issues now. Kids often think things are their fault—taking the blame instead of their parents, as the other option feels too threatening. Autism can exacerbate these emotions.

Individuals in active addiction often make apologies they might not be able to fulfill. This makes it hard for family members to know what to believe.

It is not unusual for those in addiction to offer apologies they cannot uphold. As a result, family may struggle to hard to trust them. In addition to boundaries, it's really important to be reliable and show your son that things are better, instead of just saying him.

Practical Steps for Communication and Support

Concentrate on him adjusting at his new school and create a solid routine. Then, introduce the concept that no subject is off the discussion table—if that is indeed the case. Mealtimes can be a suitable moment to talk, as can side-by-side activities like walking or traveling, since they require minimal direct gazing, which some people find too intense. Perhaps there's an activity you and your son like sharing? Don't think "we need to discuss," but look for opportunities for conversation and see if they happen. Additionally, consider your son's favored method of communication—it may not be talking; it could be through writing, or a combination of both.

It is essential for him to know that his refuge besides home might be with his father. Try to avoid feeling hurt if he chooses to go there at times. It doesn't mean you've failed—this is a journey that won't be straightforward.

Distinguishing Personal Needs from His

You need to separate your needs from your son's. Ensure you're not comforting him to make yourself feel better—for your own relief—because you cannot do that via your son. You'll concentrate more effectively on what he requires if you receive strong assistance yourself.

You're doing great progress. Continue forward.